Gym Etiquette

Monday, November 6, 2006

Since everyone who reads this will likely be finding happiness at a gym now I think it’s only fair I prepare another etiquette guide for those of us new to athletic clubs, locker rooms, and gyms in general.

Without further ado, the following should be observed whilst working out at the gym:

Coordinate your outfits

Style and fashion do not leave their hats at the door. As soon as you walk into the gym you haven’t left society. Dress appropriately. Ladies, this means your red tank top should be matching your red and white shoes and red scrunchies. This is common sense, I know, but I feel like I should explain it. You’re here to impress people and first impressions are never spoken.

Make eye contact

In fact, there’s rarely anything spoken. You may say hello to the lady at the front desk. You might even nod to the guy who walks in at the same time as you every day. But, other than that, keep the chit-chat to a minimum. To avoid conversations make sure to always bring reading material or a portable music player. If you feel the need to interact with people around you simply make eye-contact frequently; especially with those of the (attractive) opposite sex. I’m sure you’ll be fulfilling some sort of need by doing this.

Grunt and moan loudly

If you’re a guy you may not be able to use bright reds and pinks to attract women to you. That’s fine, you’re not a flower, you’re a man. Men lift big weights. So, grunt loudly and make obnoxious sounds when you lift. The benefits are threefold: it helps you lift the weight, it draws attention to you, and it stretches your vocal muscles. If you’re not making loud noises you know you’re not doing it right. If you don’t sound like you’re struggling you’re going to make the people around you feel inadequate. Don’t give the impression that being macho comes easy; it’s hard work.

Don’t wipe down equipment

If you want to help out people the last thing you do is clean up after yourself. You want to help the economy right? By leaving your mess for others you’re creating jobs. Personally, I keep two or three people employed on any given day. So, make sure you leave your sweat on the equipment at the gym. Even if nobody gets to wiping it down you’re helping the next person. They’ll waste less energy warming up that seat. It’s simple physics.

Towels are optional

Once you hit the locker room its time to let everything out. Guys, if you’re over 35 years old you don’t need a towel around your waist, they’re optional. In fact, take a towel and simply throw it over your shoulder in protest. Fellas, if you’re younger than 25 you need to wear a bathing suit, even into the showers. You don’t know what politician and/or priest might be in there, right? Ladies, I don’t know what it’s like in there but I can only imagine.

Talk loudly in the showers

We all know that running water can be pretty loud, especially when more than one shower is running. With that said, If you wish to hold a conversation with the person next to you then you’re going to need to speak up. Way up. In fact, everyone in the locker-rooms should be able to hear about what you’re doing this weekend, how obnoxious your kids are, and how much you hate George W. Bush. Naturally, the shower is the best and most appropriate time to converse with a friend of the same-sex. Nothing says rapport like scrubbing yourself during dialogue.

These are just some of the fundamental tips. Having read this you should have no trouble at the gym now. Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments…